How do you love?

The elusive reality.  Love.  Is it real, or no? Am I loved?  Am I loving others?  Am I able to love?

 

8 Different Types of Love
  • “Eros” or Erotic Love.
  • “Philia” or Affectionate Love. …
  • “Storge” or Familiar Love. …
  • “Ludus” or Playful Love. …
  • “Mania” or Obsessive Love. …
  • “Pragma” or Enduring Love. …
  • “Philautia” or Self Love. …
  • “Agape” or Selfless Love.

I grew up under the conditions of love.  Do this, or that, be this or that, and you’ll get praise and behaviors that are like love.  But not acceptance.  Not the love that is just there because you are there.  I went through a lot of pain and loss and fear in childhood, I went through abandonment, abuse, neglect, and some of the freakiest ‘outer limits’ kind of things a person can go through.  Those  that argue there are no ‘supernatural’ realities would have done well to have walked in my shoes to learn there ARE supernatural realities, but I’m not here to argue the point.

I recall that after being strangled by a woman gone insane at age 14, reaching out to the people (family) that were supposed to love me and getting “I have my own problems” as the answer.  Not comparing to the very real struggles of others, some much worse, but in all we have the lessons we are independently meant to learn.  For myself, I suppose, my lesson was to love myself through all things and not seek the love of others for comfort.  That’s not easy to do as a human, let alone as a child, kid, teen, or youth of adulthood. Heck, it’s not easy now, but it’s getting easier.

I believe in the “user friendly” world.  The one where you get to be who you are and are appreciated for that alone.  Where you get to be.  But I don’t always pull it off.  I can’t always give that to others.  I try, but having been programmed with high expectations of others from early life, I have high expectations of others.  For some reason my mind thinks that others should understand me, not misunderstand me.  So I know, while it may seem I preach love and understanding, I’m not the best at setting the example of it.

I blew it with my last chance at love of companionship.  I just couldn’t understand the other person’s flaws and live with them.  They had a history that was a consistent trigger to my peace of mind that kept me in continuing anxiety.  I waited with baited breath for the signs and the moments and the language, for the body language, for the hints and the ambiguity that was sure to present abandonment again.  I couldn’t trust what I knew about them, revealed to me in honesty, open in reality, they liked things that I could not tolerate.  They looked at others in a way that was distasteful to me.  They wore shades that colored their world with allowance for behaviors that to me were not acceptable.  I was a hypocrite to love.

The love I was looking to live up to, the love I was hoping for was the kind of Cinderella.  The Prince.  The rescuer.  The one that would make it all right.  The one where there would be peace and joy.  But as I’ve been growing and learning these last several years, I’ve come to understand that true “marriage”, true love in a relationship is not flowers and beads and sunshine.  It’s conflict and resolution.

I watched “House Sitter” with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn.  It gives me insight to the truth of what companionship is.  The fighting.  The yelling.  The arguments.  The constant watch stance of holding one another in line from doing stupid things.  I didn’t learn this.  I learned that ever obedient whipped dog method of companionship.  Do and do, and give and give, and take your bruises and make sure that the other is always, always, happy.  If they are not happy, you pay for it.  I learned that companionship, or marriage was punishment.  Not compromise.

Too far gone now I think.  Too far into the place now of figuring out how to be a person in my own right.  Doing what I like to do.  Not doing what I don’t like to do.  Not coloring my hair, or starving myself to be different.  Not wearing that style of clothing, or nail polish, or make-up to please the other.  To attract the other.  To make the other happy.  Keep the other happy and you will have success.  Let them down, and you pay for it with bruises to your flesh and your soul, and sometimes with destructive forces upon your spirit.

I live alone.  Because in alone I don’t feel the suffering of not being able to love someone for who they are.  I would have thrown myself to their needs just to not be alone, to feel there was someone that cared, assuming that my relationship ability with another person was the end all – be all of existence.  But it’s not.  In alone is the lesson of self-love. In alone is a rare comforting that you are alright without jumping through hoops or living up to the ideal someone else has for you.  I couldn’t be what they wanted me to be because I’m not that, and it used to tear me up.  Why can’t I be other than I am? Why do I have to be what I am?  If I could be what they want, they will love me and I won’t be alone.

Things change.  We change.  Life changes.  Nothing stays the same.  Perhaps I will learn to accept others as is, and not live my life in a delusion of expectations of perfection.  They are fine to be as they are, unless they want me.  Then the problem comes up.  If they want me, there is a list of what is necessary to my peace of mind and feeling comfortable.  If you can’t live up to it, I can’t love you.  I’ll be stuck in trying to fix you, or fix me to make myself into what you need to change you.  Corrupted idealism.

I have come to the place of letting others be.  To just practice acceptance.  Yes, that person is an alcoholic. Yes, that person is a drug addict.  That person is addicted to porn.  That person is prejudice against persons of different race or religion.  That person has masochistic tendencies.  That person has sadistic tendencies.  That person is verbally abusive.  That person judges you, looking you up and down for your flaws and commenting on them.  That person fears truth and honesty.  That person is just as complex and complicated as I am, but I can’t get past their behaviors and warm up to their soul.  Their soul says they hate their wife, their wife says she hates her spouse, they fight and hurt one another.  That person says women are flavors of the month.  That woman says men are only of value for their cock and their money.  Users.  Too afraid to be alone, too afraid to be accepting of the bed they created, too afraid to make a change.

Humans.  I’m glad to be alone.  My often called “imaginary” friend, Yeshua, is attacked by others, because my best friend isn’t physically a reality.  But in my mind’s eye, I see him, I feel him, I hear his wisdom echoing in my ear, let them be as they are and love them regardless.  But I miss the mark often, because I want better than what they are.  I blow it.  I fail at love, unless… unless I remain alone.  I don’t like fighting.  I don’t like bitter arguments and blame.  I don’t like hurtful comments.  I don’t like expectations put on me and I don’t like putting expectation on others.  At least in being alone, what I hold on to for expectations of others falls back on me.

At the present I am loving a 16 year old dog.  Sitting a dog for others so they can go do things that the old man cannot do anymore.  He’s nearly blind, going deaf, and has hip problems.  He can’t take a long drive to the mountains anymore because his legs will seize up and he’ll be crippled for days.  He needs warmth (or cool in this heat), and comfort.  He has an old dogs digestive problems and the house will reek with his wind, and I have to turn on the fan and light incense or open doors and windows to clear the air, but even so, knowing that its just acceptance because he put in 16 years of devotion to his master, and I am his grandma.  So I set up an open window for my cats to come and go, and move their food to a location that he won’t go to, so they in their prime and good health can endure his presence for a time.  I make him a turkey burger, rice, and barley meatloaf to break up into his food because its good for his health and need of protein.  I don’t sit and pet him endlessly, but I respect him and he knows it.  He looks at me with his cataract covered eyes and tilts his deaf ears and wags his incredibly huge tail thumping me with it.  He bumps into me and knocks my weak knee and I wobble a while like he does.  But he’s my grand-dog.  I’ve known him since he was a pup.  He lived with me on and off in time and was a pal to my dog (who is now long passed).  He is due the respect and care that allows him to be himself.  I give it to him.

If only I could do that with a  human.

 

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I read you.

Fellow bloggers, I read you.

I don’t comment often though.  I’m not very hip to how blogging works.  For me it’s a way to sort of socialize, to be alive in the cyber world, in the world, and prove it by written word and shared links.   I am a loner.  I like being alone because I can pretend in my little world that things are groovy.

But, I read you.

I read about the struggles you endure.  I read about your sensitivities.  I read about your failures and your successes and I look, best I can, through your eyes, because you share them with me.  Thank you. Thank you for being you.  For standing up and telling it like it is.  For crying if you need to.  For using your creativity as you are inspired to do.  For being poets and writers and artists of all kinds of expression.  You give me hope.

I read you and I don’t feel alone.  I feel comradery.  I feel like I am standing with you for your cause.  I’m so glad you are there reaching out with your hearts and minds, with your souls and spirits to just get a point out there that might improve or help the life of another.

So many of you endure and fight the good fight.  I will survive! I will overcome!  I will stand! I will share so that others can google a word … hoping…for some insight out of the blue to shift consciousness just enough to lift a life up out of a bog of sorrow.

I’ve lived a very hard reality over a long period of time.  I’ve got my damages, I’ve got my scars, and I’m in this place now where I really would just as soon let the past go now…finally…finally…I can stop performing for approval and love and just love myself. But trust me, beloved bloggers, I can relate to much of what you speak from your core.  And, I admire you, appreciate you, and look forward to watching the growth of the love in you.

Peace

 

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8 more and TED

Today I polished 8 more rings.

Four stainless, four antique silverware.

While I polished I listened to NPR on my radio.  I love NPR on Saturdays, there are fun shows and information aside from the constant droning on about what the politicians are doing …again.

But today Laura G., in the following video made some good talking points, so I’m sharing them.  Because if Russia is playing mind games with citizens, citizens need to strengthen their resolve to not buy into the bullshit.

Here’s the video:

You’d think that russia would be more concerned about their OWN country and leave the citizens of America alone.  I never have liked head games, and now, despite russia no longer being communist, I not a fan of their tactics or politic agenda even more.

That’s not to say I’m pleased with the head games of America either.  I’m disgusted with being tracked and followed and nagged with advertisements and interactive advertisements.  Get out of my head marketers and politicians, its really NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what I think, want, hope, or desire, and its really none of your business what tv I might watch or what my favorite foods are.   I’m a starving artist, okay?  I feel particularly blessed and happy if I sell a ring and can afford to buy myself a couple salads at the grocery store instead of stand in line at the food bank.  So back off.

I’ve shut down facebook for this reason, and no longer have subscriptions on Youtube (aside from a few that are harmless, like Simon’s Cat).  I’m nauseated by the “buy buy buy” garbage.  Sweet Jesus, let people be? The drama, the hate, the ambiguity…ugh.

Edit: Second thought: Bill Hicks….marketing

Not to be a pessimist, but I’m becoming more pessimistic about the net and humans daily.  It’s you and me, baby… and I can’t take it anymore…

 

I tried my first attempt at heating and bending a fork to hold a cabochon.  It was going well, and I found out its a kewl thing to try out, but, I took it too far and the tine broke off.  However, I am not discouraged and will try again in the near future.  I just have to get a good stock built up of rings first and that means making MANY of them for all sizes of possible fingers in need of ornamentation.  I used to want to paint and sell paintings, but doing portraits and making works of painted nature take far too long in time and effort to be profitable, so painting is  now a personal pleasure.  People never want to pay fair price for paintings (even if they are very well done) unless you are famous, and then you could paint a single blue line down a white canvas and make millions on it.  Paintings are not something I feel will put a few bucks in my pocket and fill the gas tank to get me to physical therapy.  Rings, or jewelry, however might pull that off, and they are so portable.  I can put them in my hefty purse and take them with me and share them anywhere I might be, even if no sale ensues, I get to share showing them off with someone and enjoy dialog about their great-grandmother’s silverware, or something of that nature.  So they are a nice social ice breaker too, because God knows, you certainly do NOT want to talk about the state of the nation…!

 

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New goes the moon

I’m burned out by just about everything.  I’m burned out on politics.  I’m burned out on religion. I’m burned out on pollution. I’m burned out on war. I’m burned out on greed, power, and hate.  I’m burned out on media broadcasting, the news, movies, television, and radio.  Its all SO pushy.  Do and do and do and do and do and do.

It’s a hard time to find something that soothes your soul without escaping life.

Its a good thing to find something, like music, that has no purpose other than to be.

I am so tired of having to have meaning attached to everything.

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The moon goes new in a few hours over my location.  I hope it brings with it new developments that are DELIGHTFUL.   Joy, please.

 

 

 

 

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Stop Watch

This is a really busy week for me.  I don’t think I’ll get much done artistically, although I have a plan for a creative effort to share with my granddaughter, Sophie.  I do love her SO very much.  I get to visit with her!! Yay for me!!  It’s going to be HOT, in the 90’s.  Summer has arrived.   I’m in the desert, so it’s going to be time to kick on the A/C, and stay out of the sun.  The sun and me don’t get along.  (Lupus)  I get heat stroke too easily too, so it going to be early hours watering and gardening, and late hours possibly if I find time to work on the metal.  Chores are piling up too, gotta attend to reality before reality gets ahead of me.  I will be the Queen of Siesta!

I promised garden pics.  Here they are, and my cats too.  I have much more I could photograph in the yard, but this is plenty.  Since the last couple of weeks rain, everything has grown twice normal size, so watering is going to be really important.  Jim told me that the plants take up the nutrients in the daylight hours, so to water early in the A.M. is best to help them pull up their food.  I like the early hours, its super quiet until the bird song starts.  Very peaceful.

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Baby grapes

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Grace

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The Vine…its a monster..I love it…it shields my porch from the sun.  Afternoon sun here is the worst, it increases heat by ten to fifteen degrees and swelters everything.  So the vine is a real blessing.

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Potted plants.  I have strawberries in the ground too, but its a battle against the ants and earwigs to fruits.  I don’t use chemicals in my gardening.

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Herbs, several different sages, mints, feverfew, lemon balm, thyme, mother of thyme, hens and chicks (can be used like aloe), 009

Baby stawberries!!

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More Vine…lush and thick…it keeps home for many spiders, but they are small and eat bugs, so I’m not going to complain.  When the grapes ripen, I’ll wash the vine with a strong spray and then pick.  I’m HOPING to afford at some to buy a wine making kit.  These are SWEET grapes, they would make awesome wine. 015

Faith

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and more herbs and flowers.

I don’t water what doesn’t provide shade or food.  The shrub like tree at the end on the left is an apple I pruned back to control.  Every year it would produce fruit that would ripen and fall off the tree and roll all over the sidewalk and the driveway, and I just got tired of chasing rolling apples or stepping on them.

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This is Sophie.  I’m looking forward to our visit.  She’s the apple of my eye.  I was the first person to hold her after her birth.  I handed her to the nurse for her checkup and bath.  I was in class at college (illustration) and the Spirit of Love told me: your granddaughter is being born right now, so I just left and got there about 20 minutes before she was born.  It was one of the happiest days I’ve ever experienced.  Watching her grow up is fascinating, she’s much like both her parents and very fun to be around.  She’s a hard case too, you don’t push this kid around, she won’t let you.  LOL.  I love that!

See you soon, be well, be happy.  Peace.

 

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2017 The Planet of the Apes

OR:

13322098_591620237664948_4466407981162219806_nFollowed by:

14573009_1366158706728550_1044096653422689718_nYou don’t have to type yes if you agree.  When people put that crap into a meme it just makes me want to vomit.  Talk about attempted mind control, sheez!  However, the meme does make a GOOD point.  I won’t get political here, but I will get personal.  I grew up with mind games.  And the present day person in charge of America seems to play this damned game ALL the time.  Occasionally that person speaks with a conscience regarding others, but I’ve put it off to speech writers doing the actual thinking and using their conscience for the purpose of furthering the bullshit.  A narcissist will pick up on all possible valuable content and context of conversation or concerns of the person they want “loyalty” from, and then use that for persuasive reasons.

I watched the original “Planet of the Apes” tonight.  (Actually it took me four nights to watch it in parts).  Tonight I watched the final chapter, or ending of the movie.  Where Charlton Heston is in court, and his advocates are charged with treason against the Ape Culture, and it was like watching the present day congressional and otherwise investigations.  Ape mentality, stuck in its ‘supremism’ rules.  Whatever it says, goes, period.  And if there is ANY conflict of interest that supports the oppressed?  All hell breaks loose with false witnessing, exaggerated claims, and violent punishment.  Poor, Chuck is threatened seriously that he will be lobotomized and castrated, all because he is the underdog and wants to be free, and use his rights to be counted as a living, breathing, life form.  But he has no rights, not anymore, not in the time and place he’s at, because the ruling class has changed from human to Ape.

 

 

It was as if Chuck was the average American citizen, and the Ape counsel was the cabinet behind the present day leading Ape.  Scientific Heresy?  Where have I heard this before? We aren’t allowed to believe in God and Science together?  It’s not possible that the “Creator” (in present day real life context) WAS actually USING science to create the planet and the life forms on it? Evolution is very real, but not the entire answer to how we came about.  There is archaeological evidence that informs us that there are many documented realities that we just refuse to suppose can be part of our reality.  They are simply scoffed at and ignored, or taught in colleges as “art history” because of their cuneiform writing and use of glyph imagery to make their point.  That said, religion doesn’t even begin to explain the more complex probability of the actual scientific foundation to our existence, even though it was used by said ‘scientists’ of lower power than that supreme scientist, for the sake of ‘psychological’ evolution or control.

Now, in the end, Chuck and his babe, find that this all comes about from the previous reality having destroyed the Earth and leaving behind only a small portion of the population and the continuing process of evolution extends into the Ape species, while the human species regresses.

The big Ape in office today, does not bring peace of mind, does not offer honesty, does not provide what governing authority requires, which is “stewardship”, or what means to TAKE CARE of all you have authority over, NOT rule it with destructive narcissistic threat against their security.  You don’t piss in the water you use to drink, you don’t shit in your campsite, you don’t keep your trash around your inner quarters but instead dispose of it. These are basic laws of scientific reason AND religious belief (that is Biblical law).

I agree with Chuck:  HOW IN HELL DID THIS UPSIDE DOWN CIVILIZATION GET STARTED?

I put this whole mess, the fact that our present day Ape leader, down to evolution, and the fact that every ancient civilization eventually destroyed itself.  Usually through the corruption of power, be it technological or be it authoritarian.  Absolute power DOES corrupt absolutely.   My hope however, is that consciousness IS finally expanding in the population and in the lower powers to overturn the powers that would trade off life of all kinds of forms, for a ‘whole stack of dollars’.

 

This rant has been dedicated the BIG APES in authority that think their ‘stash of cash’, their ability to buy football teams, Lear jets, and the GREATEST chocolate cake on earth are what is important.  May the Creator humble them all.

I do think its starting.  The humbling.  THANK GOODNESS, because the escalation of hate and greed is quickly leading us to our annihilation.  PLEASE … consciousness…expand in the minds and hearts of those in power that they understand that living peacefully and holistically is what will extend our existence.  Because not everyone can afford a ticket to the space station, or an underground nuclear protected atmosphere to live in.

The beast man…shun him… and none of us will end up pitching a fit on the beach over the remnants of our destroyed civilization.

Peace

 

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It’s all in the details

I’ve been down with food poisoning for four days!! 😦  That was a bummer and so hard on my poor body, but its over now.  Yay, and today, I actually was able to get some work done.

I finally finished the ear cuffs this morning, the last three, and I was SO glad to be done with them.  I don’t want to do them anymore, just too small.  YET, I know me, I hate to waste material, so perhaps some day I’ll break out the can full of bits and pieces and try again.  For now though, I’m good with just making the rings.

I got seven more rings made today.  I’ve added pics of some.  I ran into some real issues this time.  When it comes to the newer metal, the stainless, you don’t have much to sweat other than the hammering time because steel just doesn’t want to give.  It will eventually, but overall its stubborn, but the nice thing about it is how durable it is against abuse.  That’s why its in all kinds of structures, it can take abuse and remain the same, strong, and for the most part unblemished.

Antique Silverware is another animal all together.  Its a softer alloy and generally plated.  There have been a few pieces that are nearly all silver in the mix of pieces I have, but mostly they are a brass alloy with a heavy plating.  The problem isn’t the alloy, which is more giving and accepting of being re-shaped.  The problem is in the soft surface of the metal and how easily it mars.  In this pic you can see what time and use do to the metal.

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That’s corrosion and use pock-marks.  It’s like metal with blemishes.  No matter how delicately I work a piece like this, filing and sanding (very gently), I would have to remove so many layers of metal to get a smooth surface that I just give up at some point.  So it goes in the for sale bin at a MUCH cheaper price.  It definitely looks the part of an antique that has been on the dinner table many times over the years.  Some people like that worn look, so I didn’t toss it.  I could actually save these rather than try to sell them, we’ll see if they don’t go, and if they don’t they go in the scrap can, and perhaps I’ll be able to melt them down for a pouring sometime.

I have a lot to learn yet.  I never really thought I’d do anything with metal, but apparently the Creator seems to think its a good media for me to work with.  In this picture the ring on the left has a crack in the design.  I don’t have any solder presently, but was offered some today and should have it relatively soon, so I’ll save the piece for a solder repair.  A crack is an easier fix than pock-marks are.  To fill marks with solder and then file and sand and polish would make the time spent not worth the price asked, so I won’t go that route, but in this case the design on the ring, and it being a crack, I believe to be worth the repair.  Can you see the little crack?

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So I’m learning as I go along, some steps to take that make things easier.  I’m going to dip some pliers (channel locks) in a rubber substance this weekend and cover the tips to have them handle the metal while I hammer.  The metal is cooled from the heat forging process so it won’t melt the rubber and make a mess, but I’m getting tired of whacking my knuckles.  LOL.  😛

16th June 022

Once you polish them they sure are pretty.  Its hard though to keep that clean gleam on the surface because just handling them with finger tips causes oils from the skin to reduce the shimmer.  BUT, that’s what happens when you wear jewelry, which is why there is cleaner and polish.  Funny I would be making rings, because I personally only wear one ring, with occasionally adding another on my other hand now and then.   I use my hands so much for chores and creativity that I rarely put on bling.  I don’t live a bling lifestyle either, but you never know when an event allows for a little glamour, so I have a few I keep for such times.  I kept the first ring I made, its a brass or bronze or perhaps alloy that has a golden sheen to it.

The larger silverware, the table wear, in antique pieces are much larger and give opportunity to make larger rings.  I am a large woman myself, and know that there are many large women in REAL life, so I’m trying to cater sizes to all kinds of sizes of people. I like the idea of unisex rings as well.  So far the sizes range from 4 to 14.  I may, if I’m fortunate enough to find more tableware, attempt some bracelets.  We’ll see how that goes.

SO, I haven’t soldered anything in a few years.  That means the books are on the table, and I have equipment, but no oxygen to mix for the torch, meaning I have to work with a little soldering pen when I get some solder to work with.  Every time I do something that I haven’t done in a while I get apprehension.  A bit of anxiety precedes the effort, but I guess that’s pretty normal for all of us.

I have a few goals that I am saving money up for.  One:  a dual fuel generator that uses gas or propane in case the power goes out.  Not to be a conspiracy theorist, but I’ve heard that hackers can take down power grids since everything runs by computers anymore, and I want to be prepared.  Two:  a metal roller, so I can thin metal and make it go further.  Three: a hot tub.  LOL.  I have this stinking arthritis and hot soaks make life SO much sweeter.  But I don’t want one of those big party tubs, I just want a small one I can put in my garage and heat the water with my wood stove.  I know it can be done.  I don’t need atmosphere, this isn’t a party, its about warmth for bones and tissues.  🙂  SO, I hope I sell many rings over time, and that in a year or two I can achieve at least the first two goals.

Its been a full day, time to rest.  This is Father’s day weekend.  I’m hoping my sons will be lavished with love and affection and yummy treats and fun for being the good dad’s they are.  They ARE good dads.  If you are a dad, have a good Father’s day!  I will be giving thanks (this Father’s day) to my Divine Father, my Creator, who is THE supreme scientist, supreme supernatural being that set up planet Earth, and developed human life.  The ultimate Dad who has shown me the highest form of love there is.

Peace

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