I have hundreds of photos in my computer of works I’ve done. It’s a funny thing, as an artist, as to how you forget what you’ve done in the past. Then you blog, and suddenly you are reviewing all kinds of work you had forgotten about. Some of it, you aren’t sure you even want to post or share, because it may represent a time in your life when you were under influences or behaving in ways you just don’t think are ‘you’ anymore. At the present I’m pretty much going by that. There are many paintings I have done in the past that have a really dark nature to them, and I am not sure I want (at the present) to put that energy out there. YET, at some point it will probably come to pass, as there is no need to feel shame for what once was, because we all grow out of who we were 20, 30, or 40 years ago.
College really took it out of me. It’s been six months now since I graduated with my BA in Visual Arts, and I only just last night actually worked creatively with a media that isn’t about refinishing or landscaping. It was SO nice, even though I had planned to work in clay and sculpt, and that was foiled by the Spirit of Creation, when it insisted on metal. LOL. I have to laugh, being a multi-media artist, because in all honestly, I really don’t know what I’ll be working in until I’m led there. I suppose it’s a very good thing that I have many supplies and tools on hand.
Even cooking now is a type of art for me. When I started college, my cooking skills took a huge nose-dive into the realm of burnt to a crisp, or non-existent. Now I’m at it again, and I really missed it!! I have blundered a few times, but my successes outweigh my failures so far, and that I am grateful for. Given the right supplies, I shall explore all the more.
So, I’m in this waiting period for these c/card companies that are suing me to get the job done with so I can file bankruptcy. There is no way I can pay them, and pay on my student loan, once I finally get to make some money. But, the lawyer has advised me to sit on my hands and wait out the process. Telling someone like me to wait is like binding me in chains with my most desired dream just out of reach. Thank GOD, that I have materials and tools to work with. So that’s about all I can do, is practice the skills, and keep on creating until the winds of change set me free to get a job.
SO many years of turmoil inside the suffering of PTSD, I’ve been living through. I will always have ptsd, but through cognitive works (thank you counseling and all those psych classes) I’ve progressed to the point of no longer being the major drama queen I once was. I look back and shake my head for the poor lost person I was, triggered by everything in fear. Less fear now, but still some apprehension. For instance if I haven’t yet used a tool enough in practice, I get afraid to pick it up and try again, but luckily I have a nature that pushes past confinement (I hate to be confined) and will jump in at some point.
I’m still waiting to learn air brush. I have the equipment, but the Spirit has not led me there yet. So for now, it’s metal, and I’m digging it. Today I finished three more pairs of earrings, and cut out seven more pairs. I actually enjoyed the labor of sawing metal. When I was in school I hated it, but then too I was pressed with other classes that were very difficult. Math and Science are not my best areas. I get the math, especially in things like Tessellations or Geometry, as an artist, but not as a mathematician. I get the science too, in respect to the big picture of our evolution, the cycles of life, and what is macro or microscopic. I get it, but it doesn’t mean I’m good at the study of it. So, in my metals class, I was more a zombie than anything, but thankfully the teacher was merciful, and my fellow students as helpful as possible towards someone under tremendous stress and fear.
That’s past me now!! Yeah! Now, on to more creation during these winter months, indoor things, indoor works, and waiting for spring. I have likely (according to the lawyer) another year of waiting on the suing process to be completed. In that time, it is my great hope to create many beautiful things, including landscaping, and to sell some works as well.
Here’s to tomorrow, there is stuff to do!