It is possible after you read this that you may turn away from my site and not return, you might have to judge me an unforgiveable person. That’s on your head, not mine. This is here to educate. To teach that disclosure can be healing.
I live with CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder), it doesn’t make me stupid. I have never been stupid, but I have been ignorant, extremely ignorant. I was raised in a very unhealthy environment, experienced head injury and near death seven times in my life. I picked up character “spirits” from those who raised me, imprinting on me how to behave towards others. This is common reality with modeling behaviors to children. I learned to be violent with children, by having violence exercised on me as a child.
This painting, was for my son, who went through the recalling of my hurting him this way when he was just a little boy. I regret it. I hate that I cannot go back and change it. I hate that I was taught to be that way. I hate it. I stopped behaving that way. But it was marked in time on him, his heart and mind carried “why is my mom treating me like this?” Son, she was ignorant, and had a spirit of violent reaction in her. She doesn’t do that anymore. I live in so many regrets. This was for him, and this is for him, and all the kids out there, to make a point that you don’t have to react with violence on a kid. You don’t have to react with violence at all, ever, unless you are under attack yourself. This happened because of the ptsd symptoms, immaturity, ignorance, and lack up marital support (I was married to a man with the personality of a zombie), it happened because genetically I was set up for it.
This image stayed in his mind for twenty years. I have images in my mind too. Most of us do. But if you think about it, if you know that the mind will imprint and some of those imprints are photographic, then maybe you might be able to picture the results of a reaction and stop it before it happens.
They’re kids, even at their very worst, They never deserve abuse.