You all know I have ptsd, I’ve made that clear. To some, having to deal with a person with such problems is something they think they need to “fix”. But that is not the case, the person is having an attack of anxiety, fear, anger, and pain, and they NEED to deal with those feelings, but it keeps coming out as yelling, or crying, or anything but productive and helpful, they need an outlet that is safe, and is allowed by their support group.
IF they have a support group. I think mine got on board today for sure, because the place I went to for support, told me I had no right to paint my feelings. I’ve been handling this pain for ten years, I HURT, dammit, and I need to get it out, not stuff it because it might not be socially acceptable. What would you have me do? I used to break the fuck out of dishes…smash..smash…but I don’t want to be ‘destructive’. Yet, being negated, once again by a source that is SUPPOSED to be helpful, negated again for the zillionth time, the option is : GO to the car, do the tailpipe thing and save the world from the horrible you that you are.
Then a support group steps in and holds me accountable and tells me…paint the fuck out of it…keep it up…keep your chin UP. And it makes sense. I HAVE the right to paint my feelings…so I’m doing it right now..painting a work that will very likely cause people to question whether they want to fuck with my head and heart or not. This one’s about a relationship, an on-line relationship, all wrapped up in “THE LAWS OF GOD” and how one must always, always, always, forgive over and over, and never judge…never, never, never.
Well…when I’m done, you can judge for yourself if I should not paint my feelings. But for now, on the table with the paints…it feels like freedom.