I have a lot of pain in my history. I’m still trying to heal from it, but I think one of the reasons I haven’t healed is my own fault. That is that I keep feeling a need for revenge instead of just letting go. I want compensated for being treated so lousy. I want recognized and apologized to, and then I want left the hell alone for the rest of my life. But, the person that has wounded me the deepest, insists on maintaining that wound and rubbing it in all she can, and that person is my sibling. I can’t call her sister, because she has no concept of what that means. I have woke up for years in nightmares of her hurting me, covertly working against me, spying on me, sabotaging me, and as she does all this in real life, as well, refusing to communicate with me or acknowledge me unless it is to hurt or humiliate me. I don’t know that she does it on purpose, it could be she does it just because she’s that messed up from her own history, but regardless, back to the art point. I woke up and the Spirit said “DRAW IT”…so here it is. The leader of a coven of cruel intentions witches that meant to harm me, in a dream. This is what she looked like. There is the art. Now, I”m not sure about the spirit of the work…it seems that it is sort of revengeful, or vengeful, rather than healing. I get a sick perverted joy of making her out to be the witch she is, and that’s not helping me at all. I just stay stuck in the ugly and hurt. SO…while I post this now…it’s here as a reminder to me, to not use my art for revenge, not anymore. BUT, to instead go ahead and draw/paint/sculpt the darkness, the shadow feelings into art, but with expression of the feeling, not the content of what the feeling resulted from. It will be a challenge, but I”m looking forward to it.
I’m presently in the process of making large constructional and environmental changes in my home, studio space, yard, garages, and in my own soul and body. SO I’m not expecting to get a lot of art done this year, but I do hope that what I DO manage to create has merit and meaning instead of petty vengeance behind it. That will help me heal, instead of dropping to the level of cruelty that has been dished against me. I do hope to approach this with a civilized perspective of mind and spirit instead of carnal. Amen.