on hold

I recently went to the eye specialist.  I live with narrow angle glaucoma, and this time I had the exam it was for double vision problems and pain.  So, during the exam he tells me that my pupils never fully developed in the womb (that’s a WHOLE other story) (sad one too), and therefore have a unique property to them.  (He uses my eyes for teaching his students) (I live with EXTREME far sight 8.5) ( I tell people this and they think I’m just fabricating a line of b.s.).  My pupils have a fine microscopic spider web over them, so the light coming in is fragmented into sections.  Apparently this is really amazing to the eye specialist.  To me, it explains why when I do not wear my glasses and I see the blurry lights at night they have these strange broken images.

Anyway, I’ve been wearing eyeglasses that are nearly 11 years old, and have had the surgery for the glaucoma to prevent my going blind, but I still have some damned painful days with the pressure in my eyes.  It sort of goes hand in hand with the arthritis.  So since the fall season has kicked in and the pressure fronts have gotten more intense, I’ve been in more pain all around and less enthusiastic about creative work.  I spend a lot of time in layered clothing, rubbing Comfrey salve into my painful and swollen areas and wishing I had a thermostat internally that I could raise the temp on.  OH WELL.

I have not given up, I am just on hold.

My eyeglasses are UBER expensive.  You hear this complaint from the average person.  How hard it is on them to have to pay 2-3 hundred bucks.  And, again, they think I’m exaggerating when I mention mine cost nearly 800.00 a pair.  And, that some laboratories won’t even touch my prescription, and that my lenses are VERY heavy and many frames will not be able to manage the thickness of the glass/plastic.  Yeah, I have problems with being able to see.  BUT, that same far sight, also gives me a depth perspective that most people don’t have, and an incredible ability to see color variations.  SO with the curse, comes a blessing too.  I am presently waiting on those new eyeglasses that will help me see, work, and read with less pain and problems.  I can hardly wait.  I do not read or do half the work I once did, and I suppose it is from the torture put on my eyes during 7 years of college.  OH WELL.

I’m still in my sabbath year, and in respect to that, I really don’t have to push myself to create, although some days I really wish I was more inspired.  But having gone through the stress I have under the dominant oppression I have (soul crushing) its no wonder I don’t have enthusiasm, and that I feel a severe need to heal and recover. I’m not lazy, it’s not a cop-out, I was born from a womb contaminated with syphilis, I bear the cross of the diseased fetus trying to make it as a human.  I look pretty normal, but I’m not.  C’est la vi, eh?

I’ll be back.  I’m healing.  Each of my ankles is taped to keep the achilles tendons from ripping any more, and the muscle tissue from doing the same.  The hips and spine pang with hurt constantly and one bad days I walk like a troll with a dragging foot.  Sometimes I’m curled up in a ball from the pain, and on the worst days I cannot even use my eyes, but must simply cover them with a sleep mask and sit around listening to audio book (generally the Bible) to soothe my hurt and increase my spirit in acceptance that at times, the body is just an anchor for the time being.

I’ll bring more to the table soon.  Say a little prayer for me, if you are inspired, a kind prayer for my healing from the love in your heart and the reason in your mind.


About vickiesumner924

. Multi-media Artist.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized, Writing. Bookmark the permalink.

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