Okay. I have a history that contains a lot of pain, hurt, and sadness. Things happened to me that put a world of hurt on me and left me as one of the outcasts of society. I have problems with relationships. I have problems with trusting others. I am basically afraid of getting close with anyone, because I’m pretty darned sure they will CHOOSE to hurt me.
So, as a result of years of this repeating over and over, I have given up on the concept of knowing the intimacy of love (real honest love) in my life. It may come later, but at 58 years I’m pretty sure its a lost cause. But, that’s okay, if its so, because there is more to life than experiencing real love.
Anyway, part of the problem of all this absence of development is the fact that I do more thinking than feeling. It is easier for me to think and analyze and create from that, than it is to feel. Feeling hurts. YET, in order for me to have a life of more than just isolation, I have to step into the process of healing, which I have.
I’ve done the majority of the think work. I have the understanding down. I get the psychology, the spirituality, the evolutionary standpoint, I understand why humans do what they do, even if it is horrible. The thing I haven’t truly accomplished is dealing with my feelings about all this, and my past. And for me to take the next steps, I have to do the feeling part.
I have to grieve.
I’m not good at it. I learned very early to shut up and suck it up and close down the feelings because nobody wanted to bother with the hurt feelings of a child/kid/adolescent/teenager/adult ME. Nobody wanted to deal with it.
A taste: I am strangled by an insane woman at age 13 after being abandoned to her home, I call my parent out of fear and desperation for help and get told : “I have my own problems”. That is a very uncomfortable shoe to wear. There was no allowing me to grieve the hurt, fear, pain, and trauma. Suck it up kid. We don’t have time for that shit. OR, your feelings mean nothing.
So I have a whole life I missed out on. I missed out on having a relationship with my sister, I was forced to stay away from her, and her from me. I missed out on closeness with any family member, except the dog. The dog I was allowed to get close to. I experienced violence, bitterness, terrorism, and more…and now all that I missed out on??? …is to be grieved, and the only way I know how to express my feelings, other than rocking myself in a fit of deep mournful crying, is through art.
I have my other projects on hold for awhile. Because I’m going to make art through my healing process. I’m going to make FEELING art. And my first project is what is keeping me awake at this late hour when I should be snoozing away after only being home from pituitary tumor removal surgery for nine days. Yep. Even on muscle relaxers and Norco, I can’t sleep because of the emotional healing reality I need to deal with. So I’m up, planning a creative project, and digging through my supplies, and making a list, and preparing for the top of the month when my income for being disabled comes in, so I can deal with the dysfunction in my poor soul…damn…my inner kid went through shit and hell…and survived… and now here I am..an older woman, alone, with some decompression and defragmentation to get done lest I completely waste away.
Art will save my soul. I sure wish my nose and face didn’t hurt, because crying really puts pressure on that part of the face, and I need to cry through this. I need to put on the sad sound music, work with black for color and mourn my lost love and life.
So ready up, followers…this is the next episode. Me, going through the process of grieving. Going through healing my soul. I have NO idea what it will all entail, but I do know I’m doing it because I have FINALLY learned I am WORTH loving myself this much.I don’t need approval from anyone to love and heal myself. So if you don’t approve…well…you know how to manage that, just click away.
See you in a few, when I get going on the process. Peace out, in the meantime, and be good to yourself.