My intention is always love.
But my soul is human and it falls from grace. It falls from the ability of its capacity to express and live with grace towards others.
I have high expectations. Too high, more often than not. But, I am forgiving, and I am understanding, and I know fully well the value of repentance and the work and effort of holding myself accountable, but yet not condemning myself with shame and guilt.
Life as a human is complex.
I wait on my angelic self to emerge.
Intention of love, grow in me.
Intention of Yeshua, grow in me.
Intention of grace, grow in me.
Intention of peace, grow in me.
Fill me up with good, so when the human part of me wants to react and respond, its quickly dowsed with the spirit of love and the freedom to let it go.
I made some headway in the studio. All the models are prepared for drawing out the painting. The canvas is on the table, the pencil ready. But I got distracted by the need to organize the chaos in there. Since I painted the room last year at this time, and put my hips and back out, and then had the tumor grow, and then had surgery …(sheez, right?), I haven’t gotten back to the studio to actually organize anything, or to truly express myself.
I got lost in the ‘please others’ mode of my existence. That all too familiar ground of what it was like growing up, and then what it was like coming back to live around those people I left far behind. As soon as I was in the same town with them, the dynamic returned. There I was, being shamed, being guilt tripped, being bugged, being annoyed, being disregarded, yelled at, blamed, and hated. SSDD. Seriously…and I bit into it, like a starving fish dying for acceptance.
At this point, I don’t care if I’m accepted anymore. But, in order to be accepted? The other (whomever they are) are going to have to realize that I’m TOUCHY in my healing, and old patterns of behaviors trigger me, and I am reactive. I haven’t figured out how to stay stable and untouchable yet. But I am working on it. I want to be like Yeshua. Who at his worst, cursed a tree to bear no fruit forever, and at his best, let them crucify him without a whimper. But I do need to lose the habit of handing them the nails, and showing up for them on their turf.
I’ll get it. I have help. I have the spirit of Love working in me. Grow in me….grow…spirit of love. I saw this meme, it read “God wants you to love others, but that doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you, use you, abuse you. It doesn’t mean you have to like them, or let them disrespect you.” Yep.
I’m in this place of alone. I really, really, like it. It’s what the book I’m reading calls being under the care of MY OWN internal mother. Not my mom. (I’ve taken to referring to her by her name in my own little, its much more ‘detached’ psychologically). MY internal mother is very full of the spirit of love, and is kind, gentle, and caring, but also, like a mother grizzly when it comes to others messing with her cub. ROWR…leave my bear cub alone, or I’ll smack you down like jelly. I do need to get that part of her to chill…because a small growl will be just enough, as long as the ‘other’ knows the INTENTION is real.
Its a funny thing, that whole “do unto others” thing. You know? Many of us go around thinking okay, I have to be nice, so others will be nice to me. BUT NO…that’s not what that means. What it means is that the ‘other’ sets the judgment THEY want YOU/ME to exercise upon them. If the ‘other’ brings you/me pain, they want me/you to bring them pain. (thats a good time to just walk away, or hang up the phone) and leave them begging for their dose of misery all to themselves. If the other neglects you, or refuses to forgive you for mistakes…well…that’s what they want in return…so …give it to them.
If they abandon you…give it to them in return.
Whatever they dish out…give it back as long as it doesn’t reduce you to vengeance or petty reactions.
Unfortunately, I’m still quite human and prone to petty reactions. I’ve learned about the revenge part being futile and useless by law. My powers are mute compared to those of the law. But that reaction thing…man…I really need to work on being SOLID.
I’ll get there.
I’m nervous about this painting, because it’s so dark…but its necessary. Its cleansing, the whole idea of it. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get the drawing down…and not chicken out.
But tonight…I’d just like to get some sleep, if my soul will let me.