Healing from complex history is a complex experience. It takes years of destructive programming to screw you up, and then more to undo the damage. SO this isn’t some quick fix, although those that did the damage would love for it to be over and done with. Well, those that are ashamed of their screw ups? Too damned bad. I’ve had to live with the pain and the scars, you can handle the shame, if you must feel it. I have to go through the labyrinth of programming to find my way out of the mess you created in my childhood. Deal with it.
So my parents and sibling (I’m not calling her sister, she is NO sister to me) taught me that the way to judge others was to condemn them to hatred, be their enemy and hurt them as often verbally, physically, and emotionally as you can get away with. Needless to say, I learned to judge WAY out of balance, and as one might recall I went through a depth study of the Laws of the Creator in Deuteronomy 28 in order to learn (via the studies at: http://www.gods-kingdom-ministries.net/teachings/books/deuteronomy-second-law-speech-1/ ). Mind you it took me eight months to get through those studies, and I will revisit them again in time, once I have accomplished more healing of my soul.
Recall, the beadwork mandala has been a meditation on balanced judgment, the law, and being a better human in the context of befriending the Christ in myself. I submit then the nearly finished work. For three, almost four days I have been weaving the backing to fit the mandala. See here:
Its been a good project (the weaving) for meditation, even better than the beadwork, as it did not require as much attention to detail. I am yet securing the beads and breaking beads and checking the surface structure of the beadwork before I finish, but I am much closer. This work has been a full year, and will be just over a year’s time when completed.
On to other healing work, part of recovery from being the daughter and sibling to narcissists. Let me tell you, it is hell growing up in an environment where everyone uses you for their scapegoat. Everyone is your enemy, the very people you are supposed to be able to trust and rely on, want you to fail, want to hurt you, and enjoy seeing you be hurt and abused. WTF? right? So the book “Will I EVER be GOOD enough?”…requests a ‘collage’ about being a woman. What I think being a woman is, at my age, that’s no longer including marriage and having kids. I’m beyond that now. In fact tis time I move on to create a private life that nobody else really needs to have privilege to. So, it took awhile. I had the board, the glue sticks, and equipment, but not the magazines. I don’t order magazines, and I don’t do “good house, or girly wonder, or fabulous fashion”, or any of that stuff. I’m more a woodworking and beadwork design type of magazine subscriber, if I were a subscriber. I don’t waste my money that way. I live on tooooooo meager of income for that kind of spending. So I waited. I had my first scheduled appointment with my new counselor two days ago, and knew from past interactions that there is always a stack of women’s magazines, (and others) up for grabs. SO I nabbed several after my session and came home and made the collage, as required for healing recovery. Its a summary in art of what I think women are.
I’m not into the whole “sex symbol” thing. In fact I think the base behaviors of the cultures of the world are disgusting. But then having been molested and abused sexually and otherwise, I’m not a fan of misogyny or women being thought of only for the purpose of having their “pussy grabbed”. (no affiliation intended). Women to me, should have their own planet Venus, and be able to go there and stay there, and be away from men if they choose, WITHOUT it having to be about feminism or sex. But just because they like being free from all those labels and expectations. Were there an island with such reality, I’d sell my home and go. But I work to live in reality, not delusion. So I’m sticking with art as an expression of my feelings and thoughts.
The new counselor (another Julie) (that’s THREE Julie doctors in my life)(reference in names and linguistics …comes down to GOD) (Its a trail of name chasing, but that’s what it leads to). That being the case, God is with me on the healing path, in mind, body, soul, and spirit. Im loved. Bingo. She makes me cry, not because she’s wanting me to cry, but the topic of my sibling and the fact of how families are supposed to be about love, instead of picking on the runt of the litter. The crying causes the nose and face to throb and hurt and all those little nerve endings light up like christmas and I need a couple days of anti-inflammatory to calm it down. Rest, is a big part of all this. And I hate doing nothing, it makes me nuts. I’m way toooo programmed to perform to survive to sit still or worse yet lay in bed with my head propped up to keep my nose from falling off my face. LOL…whatever! So, the new counselor will take me through more…and somewhere on the other side of all this work is a whole person, no longer fragmented by dissociation to trying to cope with abuses. ONE whole person is going to come of all this work…one whole person who can blow off the history and move on…Amen.
I sit up last night in the middle of the night with V. She’s the part of my personality is the badass. She’s strong, and she can be lethal. She can be mean, but she’s learned to be mean to ‘us’ as “me”, rather than others, because even though she wishes she could have been “John Wick”, she’s more like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Only she’s both beauty and the beast. Had “V” been born a male, she’d be in prison doing a life sentence most likely for having murdered her dad. She’s the one that loves dark movies, blood, violence, and weapons. She’s the one that loves to call it like she sees it, but unfortunately her sarcasm and cruelty is more often played out on the rest of the me, choosing to hurt me before the outsider does. V uses dichotomous thinking. She does not believe in hope, because she knows hope leads to the abuse, rejection, and abandonment that humans dish out on others. Hope is evil, and so instead of holding out ‘hope’ for a happy life, a relationship of love, of ever really finding love, or being loved by a human, she tells the me that it can never happen, EVER. That all people see me as a waste of life, that I am stupid for having faith in God, and that I am too old, ugly, and fat, not to mention not good enough of a sex beast, to warrant a relationship. Yes, V, has isolation and loneliness down to a science. A neuroscience to be precise. BUT, last night, the Christ me had a talk with her and said…hey…time to use that power to help us, instead of sabotage us. Time to use it help this soft heart person stand, call the abusers as it really is, and let them know that its far more important to scratch my ass than it is to listen to their repetitive line of bullshit. No, we’re not listening to your sad sack story anymore, you don’t get to dump your fears and anger on us anymore. I have more important things to do, and I’m going to listen to my infused soul, to my commander of sarcasm control, and let her give me the lines to get me hell out of the trappings when they occur. We will overcome the fragmentation. We will gather up those fragments and put the puzzle back into order and its going to be an awesome picture…and V? She is going to love the painting, when we get there, she’s already told me so. Because in it, is an element of John Wick, as a female.