I went to three second hand stores in the past couple weeks and went through bins of forks and spoons looking for nice designs and patterns in the handles. I found one pair that matches that I’m going to make a mom and daughter set of for my Gdaughter Liberty and her mom. The rest are going to be varied sizes that are common in sales for both men and women. My BGayMF tells me that men wear spoon rings too. So some of the really nice geometric designs will be made into larger sizes for guys. I’m just going to keep making them and then in the fall sell them at a craft show to make a few bucks.
I still have not gone to the painting other than to look at it and get nervous about it. It contains images of my soul from toddler age to my present age, and its sad, and painful, and healing, and restoring all at once. That’s probably why it causes me a sense of nausea.
Dissociation is hard enough to live with being at the whim of the aspects of your personality. The majority of people don’t even know they dissociate or fragment. I am learning, and when I went down the rabbit hole just last week, it affected me far more than I expected. I got a good taste of those yet seriously terrified inner children aspects (or parts) that are absolutely SURE that people are dangerous, all of them…and that even if someone says they love you, you can’t trust it. Those parts of my soul remember the message of “I love you” while I was being kicked in the crotch full force, or punched in the face. It’s confusing and contradicting, and the message is not encouraging, so the kid inside (child to adolescent to teen) is STILL holding on to those feelings (fears) and not growing out of them. Then there is the ‘guardian’ personality aspect that will do ANYTHING reactive to protect the reactive kid….so here’s one freaking out in fear and paranoia, and the other cutting ties and isolating and standing prepared to kill or be killed…while my adult self is shut out while they run the programming…and then hours later, or even the next day or two, I find that in the middle of the night around three a.m., some part of my personality is up writing an email telling someone that they don’t have to pretend to love me, they can tell me they hate me instead if that’s how they feel, because truth is better than fiction….
Man the inner kids and protectors in my head are deeply imprinted with fear and betrayal…and I am saddened and upset with this!
I want to move on…I want them to resolve..to trust me as an adult so they don’t react to challenging moments of understanding. I misinterpret SO much because of their perceptions. Yes, they learned evil is real and ready to hurt, but they need to grow up, and give me a break to be able to LET IT GO and not drop into paranoid symptoms for days on end. The psychosis messes with one’s peace and life.
I got a nasty remark from a loved one the other day. It really hurt. As a kid I learned to shut up my mouth and take the abuse. I was the scapegoat, I was the one that got the flack. But I’m not that anymore, so while I was hurt at first, and shocked that STILL this person does this shit…(right? am I the only one that needs to grow up ?) … I contacted them back and told them : “that hurt, and was mean”. The next time that crap happens, I’m going to avoid them, no matter how much they may want me to participate in their life, and I’ll tell them so. If you insist on being a rude, mean jerk to me, hurting my feelings, then you can do without my company. I know it sounds whimpy kid, but speaking my feelings is NOT something I’m accustomed to doing. Speaking one’s THOUGHTS is entirely different than standing in your feelings.
So the silverware is sorted on the bench into piles that are designated by the stencils I made for ring size, measured against the design to cut and use either one or two rings of each stem. Ready for cutting.
The painting is on the drawing board…ready to move to the easel…if I ever get the cahones to go to work on it.
The psych study is on the table with the notebook and journal of self exploration..
and I bawled my eyes out watching “SING” because the songs are all about different beings with feelings stuffed inside that need to be let out…and I see myself, and my sons in those characters…and I laugh and I cry… because of love and goodness….I love that movie.
Perhaps its good for the inner kids too, and the other parts that are afraid to grow up along with the rest of me…to let go the past and the comments of others…and just be myself, happy with being me…
or hammering metal
or sewing beads
or making mosaics
or muncchinhginghing on popcorn watching flicks wit my grandkids…
its amazing how hard it can be do something as simple as love…
or let go of the damaging attitudes others dump on you…
or to accept that love is there, when you are pretty sure it really isn’t…
for you… you know who you are, John.