has led me to this place…
This full moon has been difficult. I’m glad it’s over and waning now. The moons and me have conflicting days, generally a few in a row. They leave me most often in suffering the condemnation of my own programming. My mind, that part of my soul that is most unforgiving, recalls things from the past that hurt, that I did, or others did, that caused hurt. Dreams reveal stuffed feelings and pain, and I analyze them wishing to understand why I haven’t overcome these feelings? Why do they still haunt my soul?
I can only conclude that its the cross I bear. This mind and heart that have known so much pain and sorrow, so much loneliness, such longing for love that I have given myself away repeatedly to others that used me like a rug to wipe their dirty shoes on.
I don’t do that anymore. I don’t hand myself over to be used for the false hope of love, but I do feel longing for a friend, for a soul-friend, someone to care for, someone to care back for me.
I have that companion in Yeshua, I know this, yet I’m human, and when the moon intensifies the energies on earth, the suffering in my wounded soul increases with it. I know I am not alone in this experience. I have been subject to hate dialog for having faith in God, hate of such context that its depressing. I don’t hate people, while I do often feel anger and hatred for the ignorance and cruelty out there. But, what to do? Let it be.
This moon tripped me up, over and over with malfunctions. Brain dread messages. Breaking tools and supplies. Addiction chewing at my soul and a war ensuing between my choice of self preservation and self sabotage. UGH.
Then…a little bird becomes captured prey by one of my cats, and a present given to me. I acknowledge the gift, pet my cat, assure her she is indeed a stealth hunter, and then take the bird from her grasp. I hold it to my heart to calm it, then place it in a can in the sunlight on the ledge of my studio window and tell it to rest. I tell it that when it is calmed and ready, if it is able, I will set it free.
A few minutes later my cat sits at the entrance to my studio disgruntled with me that I would care for a ‘stupid’ bird, something that is merely an object for her hunting pleasure, and I make sure the doors are closed to verify that I DO care about the little bird. Then I open the window in the studio, and set it free. It flies from the can with all its might straight out and far into the neighbors yard and rests in a tree limb. I was pleased that it flew so well considering it had no tail feathers left at all. Poor things. Nature, for all her glory and beauty, in humans, in the animal kingdom, in the soil and geography, can be ruthless and merciless.
I worked on cutting and filing today. I have about twenty more rings to make and then the shorter parts of the handles I’m going to make into ear cuffs. This idea came to me from my friend Jim, who is a metal head. LOL. The man has metal all over his body. He even has two Prince Albert piercings. I think he must like pain. I could NEVER do that. I’m a whimp. But, he knows about metal and what people like so I’m taking his advice on making the cuffs, but that’s the extent of where I go with that. I have pierced ears (twice) but that’s all. I knew a woman who had her nipples pierced, and she ended up having infection get in them, and then having to have her breasts removed. It just seems to me to be tooooooooo much of a desire to create attractive enhancement. I’ll keep my ordinary boobs thanks, and my ordinary everything else.
This moon had me crawl into my bed and cover my head and eyes with my light blocking mask and put on headphones and listen to the book of 2 Peter, over and over… just to keep my brain from condemning me for the mistakes I have made in my life. Mistakes I made over forty years ago, and my brain STILL wants to accuse me and shame me.
Thank goodness for grace. Thank goodness, despite the haters that can’t and won’t accept that God is love, that God is, can, and does love, because for some of us, that’s all the real love we get, because to the world, we are misfits that don’t deserve love or acceptance. Thank goodness that love is there, even if to them it isn’t real, to some of us it is, and without it, we would have no love at all.
Bugged and annoyed by the cat, I let her outside and tell her: “Leave the birds alone”. I am happy that the little bird was able to fly and have another chance at life, and I hope it is smart enough to stay far away from my cat.
At least setting that little bird free helped me feel better. Please, little bird, keep yourself safe.