Before and after


Before.  Actually they are whole pieces of silverware before, but this is what they look like when I cut them, and after I hammer them.


You’ve seen plenty of the after, prior to this post (if you’ve looked).  But these are after sanding and polishing.  This time you see some ear cuffs too.  I have five more to sand and polish and I’m going to take a moment to RANT about the ear cuffs….because…they are SO tiny, they are difficult to work with.  Hammering them is tough enough because they are usually about an inch in length, luckily heating the metal helps so much, but I couldn’t hammer them on the anvil, so I found an Awl and hammered them around that.  What a pain in the fingers!  I got my fingers several times with the mallet, and then the little darlings would spring out of my fingers into the air landing in various places while I was polishing them.  One led me to the spider hiding in the bricks I keep for propane protection.  I did not kill the spider.

Spider to me is a friend when it comes to creativity because of the totem meaning of the critter.  Spider is the master weaver, the crafty one that can weave and spin, and make beautiful webs, she is said to be a good omen for the creative, so she can just hang out in the bricks until I move them again.

I used to be deathly afraid of spiders.  I was bitten by a Brown Recluse when I was a teenager and that was hell to pay.  The little bugger hid in my bedroom closet and bit me in the night on my ankle.  The poison caused my knee and elbow on my right side to swell up the nearly the size of a soccer ball.  The doctors thought I had broken my elbow, but it was just the poison. I was lucky to catch it when I did, or I’d be dead right now and that would make making spoon rings or writing a bit more difficult.  The antidote was a large injection into my derriere with a needle about three inches long, and the healing process hurt bigtime, but its all in the past now.  But, I can tell you I did not sleep in that room for a week.  Once the room was emptied (to find the critter), I walked in thinking, okay, no spidy, I’m good.  I opened the closet door, and son of gun if the defiant little monster didn’t just dangle right there in front of me.  I quickly went to the kitchen, got a can of Raid, and sprayed nearly the whole can on it.  I was not going through that again.

Spiders in symbolism represent “manipulators”.  I used to have nightmares about spiders.  Thousands of them in the house I lived in, representing the head games I endured with a dysfunctional family.  In time through therapy and lucid dreaming (I learned to do this via Carlos Castenada’s books), I learned to put on heavy duty gloves in my dreams and smash the bastards.  Eventually, as I began to become more assertive in my speaking up about the manipulations and challenging the bullshit, the dreams reduced, the house changed, and the spiders showed no more.

Now, I only run into them in real life, and unless they could be dangerous, like black widows, recluse, hobos, or yellow sacs, I just ignore them.  But, if they are dangerous, they are toast.  Sorry, kids, but this is MY house, you can live in the garage or shed.

I have a lot of spider stories.  I’ll share a couple.

One, when I lived on the mountain:  I was nosing around in the rock garden and saw a spider sunning on the rocks, so I walked over to it.  It dodged me and went into the rocks. being nosy, I looked in on its cave and there it was staring back at me.   I tossed an ant in there to it and it did nothing.  Then I tossed a seed from a Snow In The Summer plant (ground cover) and it did nothing.  So, I went about the garden and then came back before I went up to the house again, and while I peered in at the spider, I noticed the seed was in its web.  That spider…this is the honest to God’s truth people….put its forelegs on the web, pulled back and sprang the seed at me and hit me between the eyes with it.  Serious as the sun comes up every day..  that truly happened.  Blew me away, I had no idea spiders had that kind of warfare skill.

Two, here at this house when I first moved in:  I was in the kitchen doing dishes, and a small hobo male was walking across the floor so I trapped him under a glass glass.  I was not the nicest person in the world to that spidy.  I rattled the glass and freaked him out several times, and then finally lifted the glass and stepped on him.  That night, I was laying my bed reading a book and I looked down the hallway, and RUNNING at high speed was the MRS Spidy and she was PISSED at me…she ran right up onto my bed with a mind of vengeance.  I threw the blanket over her and smashed her into it.  THAT freaked me out.  I have never tortured a spider again, and I never will again either.  I learned my lesson on that one.  There is apparently a hobo colony under the house, they come around out of the heat vents in the fall when they mate, and so I just keep an eye open and step on them immediately.  They can stay under the house and eat the plentiful bugs and leave me alone.  The female hobos are HUGE…three or more inches in size.  I had them up on the mountain too, only everything on the mountain grows much larger (food, mushrooms, etc), and they would get to be five to seven inches in size.  YIKES.

Three, on the farm:  When I was a kid we lived on a farm. We kept a few rows of sweet corn each growing season to sell on the roadside.  I was out plucking cobs from the rows and wasn’t watching what I was doing.  I turned to look down the row, and about six inches from my face was a web that was so big it ran from row to row, that’s about four to five feet wide! In it was this monster Orb spider.  Orb spiders are no danger, but it freaked me out so bad I threw the corn bag and ran as fast as I could out of there.  I did not pick corn again, but I did sell it. Bakers dozen…back in those days a baker’s dozen was two bucks… now? An ear of corn is 33 cents each!!!  My how times have changed.

So, I’m trusting mrs spider in the bricks is going to leave me be, and I’m going to leave her be, and at some point she’ll mosey off to some other location.  I’m going to let her stay as a good omen for my creative works and hope that she has a liking for ants, cos LORDY I have more ants than I want.


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All this wandering…

has led me to this place…

This full moon has been difficult.  I’m glad it’s over and waning now.  The moons and me have conflicting days, generally a few in a row.  They leave me most often in suffering the condemnation of my own programming.  My mind, that part of my soul that is most unforgiving, recalls things from the past that hurt, that I did, or others did, that caused hurt.  Dreams reveal stuffed feelings and pain, and I analyze them wishing to understand why I haven’t overcome these feelings?  Why do they still haunt my soul?

I can only conclude that its the cross I bear.  This mind and heart that have known so much pain and sorrow, so much loneliness, such longing for love that I have given myself away repeatedly to others that used me like a rug to wipe their dirty shoes on.

I don’t do that anymore.  I don’t hand myself over to be used for the false hope of love, but I do feel longing for a friend, for a soul-friend, someone to care for, someone to care back for me.

I have that companion in Yeshua, I know this, yet I’m human, and when the moon intensifies the energies on earth, the suffering in my wounded soul increases with it.  I know I am not alone in this experience.  I have been subject to hate dialog for having faith in God, hate of such context that its depressing.  I don’t hate people, while I do often feel anger and hatred for the ignorance and cruelty out there.  But, what to do?  Let it be.

This moon tripped me up, over and over with malfunctions.  Brain dread messages.  Breaking tools and supplies.  Addiction chewing at my soul and a war ensuing between my choice of self preservation and self sabotage.  UGH.

Then…a little bird becomes captured prey by one of my cats, and a present given to me.  I acknowledge the gift, pet my cat, assure her she is indeed a stealth hunter, and then take the bird from her grasp.  I hold it to my heart to calm it, then place it in a can in the sunlight on the ledge of my studio window and tell it to rest.  I tell it that when it is calmed and ready, if it is able, I will set it free.

A few minutes later my cat sits at the entrance to my studio disgruntled with me that I would care for a ‘stupid’ bird, something that is merely an object for her hunting pleasure, and I make sure the doors are closed to verify that I DO care about the little bird.  Then I open the window in the studio, and set it free.  It flies from the can with all its might straight out and far into the neighbors yard and rests in a tree limb.  I was pleased that it flew so well considering it had no tail feathers left at all.  Poor things.  Nature, for all her glory and beauty, in humans, in the animal kingdom, in the soil and geography, can be ruthless and merciless.

I worked on cutting and filing today.  I have about twenty more rings to make and then the shorter parts of the handles I’m going to make into ear cuffs.  This idea came to me from my friend Jim, who is a metal head.  LOL.  The man has metal all over his body.  He even has two Prince Albert piercings.  I think he must like pain.  I could NEVER do that.  I’m a whimp.  But, he knows about metal and what people like so I’m taking his advice on making the cuffs, but that’s the extent of where I go with that.  I have pierced ears (twice) but that’s all.  I knew a woman who had her nipples pierced, and she ended up having infection get in them, and then having to have her breasts removed.  It just seems to me to be tooooooooo much of a desire to create attractive enhancement.  I’ll keep my ordinary boobs thanks, and my ordinary everything else.

This moon had me crawl into my bed and cover my head and eyes with my light blocking mask and put on headphones and listen to the book of 2 Peter, over and over… just to keep my brain from condemning me for the mistakes I have made in my life.  Mistakes I made over forty years ago, and my brain STILL wants to accuse me and shame me.

Thank goodness for grace.  Thank goodness, despite the haters that can’t and won’t accept that God is love, that God is, can, and does love, because for some of us, that’s all the real love we get, because to the world, we are misfits that don’t deserve love or acceptance.  Thank goodness that love is there, even if to them it isn’t real, to some of us it is, and without it, we would have no love at all.

Bugged and annoyed by the cat, I let her outside and tell her: “Leave the birds alone”.  I am happy that the little bird was able to fly and have another chance at life, and I hope it is smart enough to stay far away from my cat.

At least setting that little bird free helped me feel better.  Please, little bird, keep yourself safe.



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Stainless Steel Rings


The most recent.  Finished yesterday, 6/4/2017.

Next project is to work with forks.  I plan on cutting the tines from the forks and making them into earrings, and cutting the handles for making more rings.

My friend Jim (he lives in the mountains) tells me to stamp my initials on my rings, but I can’t do that because the design isn’t my work.  I can’t take credit for the original artist’s design, but I can for the recycling and the forging filing, and polishing work.

The garden is doing well.  🙂  I must have thousands of grape clusters on the vine.  It’s growing like crazy.  I had to cut it back today to prevent it growing up into the tree in the yard.  Roses are blossoming, poppies, iris (yet), tiger lilly, too.  The nasturtium hasn’t blossomed yet, but its growing thicker.  Peppers are slow, but steady.  Potatoes are thick.  Peas have just begun to sprout out.  I found my first strawberry this morning.  The sage and lavender are growing well (that soaker hose is great in the herb garden).  I’m looking forward to the rain that is coming this weekend.  It will be good for the garden.  The Pin Oak is growing well too.  I’m so thankful for the plant life.  The comfrey is already in bloom and getting thicker, starting new plants.  It likes the shade of the ash tree.   At some point I’ll share some photos of the garden just cos nature rocks.

Life is good, when you keep your view on what is good.


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Let it grow

I’m a HUGE Clapton fan.  I could listen to him for hours on end, and have, and will again and again.

Today I offer a blast from the past.

Let It Grow

I’m sort of at a crossroads.  I’m closer to being a whole person that I ever have been in my life.  The healing process takes time and dedication, but man, I’m here to tell you, it works.  I go through pain and grief comforting and telling my broken soul parts (no longer children, but now teenager and spouse parts) to get on board, that I DO love them, as part of me, for all their blunders and bad choices, they did the best they could.

So, now, my loves, my fragmented soul parts, I love you, let us plant love, yes?  Let us plant love of our WHOLE self, in our self, in the healthy parts of our self, and let it grow. It is exciting to know the pain of the past fades away and you come together in being, into your TRUE SELF.  If you are on this similar journey, may you be blessed to unite within and find serenity.

I was listening as well to Elton John, another favorite, and one song stuck with me.  The Ballad of Danny Bailey.  It made me think of the hate crimes going on these days, and what a SHAME it is that some souls are SO broken, SO damaged, SO fragmented that they believe…they actually BELIEVE, that killing out of misjudged hatred…is sound of mind and heart… so sad.  So very, very sad.  I think of the men that died in Portland, and how they stood up for love, and died for it.  The man that killed them … well…my thoughts and feelings for him are that he is already in hell, and if he’s lucky, the Christ consciousness will knock on his noggin and break his stone heart…and make him into a real human being instead of the brainwashed fragmented being he is.

This is for those that fall from hate crimes.  All of them, no matter race, religion, or sex.

I keep a picture of myself taken just before my life got really ugly.  I was about 15 at the time.  I’m holding the little Beagle my dad gave me, the same dog he beat so hard she bled from every hole in her body (because I ran away from home).  He put her in the bathtub for me to find her, and he thought it a sound punishment for me, since I ran away from the abuse he dished out to me.  Pepper was her name.  He named her after Pepper Pots from the Ironman comics.  But he sure didn’t treat her right, nor did he treat me, my mom, or my sister right.  My dad did not have a CLUE about how to love anyone, especially himself, and so he adopted a heart of hatred with a very confused mind at the helm, and violently and verbally abusively, exercised it on all people and animals as his assumed right.  He is dead now, my dad.  I’m glad.  My mom has a serene life now and is healing and doing good.  I am healing, with a lot of work.

Pool therapy is kicking my butt and making me STRONG!!!! YAY!!!  I can FEEL my muscles gaining power and man, oh man, it feels awesome.  Its hard, the pain in my spine is killer, but I don’t care, I’ll get myself back, and I’ll work, and walk, and like I did in my youth, I’ll truck on.  Adversity, you better plan for a comfort zone, cos I’m on the come-back road, and you are going to be met with confidence, serenity, and strength.

The music soothed my soul sick parts today, and I broke down at times, crying out the pain, crying in the love, while I was also working metal. I hammered nine rings today and polished three.  Tomorrow I will polish the other six, and then its time to focus on other things.  I plan on entering a craft show with my mom (a master knitter) this fall, and hope to sell my rings and other things there.   I sold my first ring yesterday!  Woot! I made twenty bucks to help me through the month, because the assistance I got on food stamps was cut from 50 bucks down to $6.54.  Where they get their numbers is beyond me.  SO much for that assistance.  Six bucks and change won’t even buy a bag of oranges…but I’ll not complain.  I am also getting back on track with Voc Rehab, and they will help me get work, not artistic work (is my guess), but something I can do that won’t conflict with my disabling issues.

So here’s today’s images.

On the left are the six rings yet to file, sand, and polish, they are soaking in vinegar to loosen up the tarnish.  On the right are two stainless rings, and one antique silverwear ring (a silver alloy).  I love doing this work.  Hammering makes me feel strong, and I can feel my arms developing in the process, my hands too.  I have to wear a brace for my back to keep it upright, but who cares? Right?  Do what you love!  I love this.  It makes handsome jewelry that is recycled, affordable, and all the while I can listen to tunes and enjoy my SELF doing what is good for itself.  Creativity, healing, music, and joy.. good stuff.


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Matthew 13- the seed

. 22 The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced.

This is a PRIME example of what happened to me.

I hear God, I follow his laws (as best I can), as much as God has put it in me to do so.

YET, because of conflicts and stress in family and the world, I picked up an old bad habit.  I was cleansed for over a year of tobacco use, and worry…worry and fear…overcame me.

I prayed.

In a moment…just a moment of prayer THREE witnesses came forward to support what the Holy Spirit told me…go to Matthew 13…the parable of the seed…and you’ll understand why you fell into the bad habit.  You fell into it to cope in the old ways of the old nature.

I’m sharing with you, because if you believe in Christ, don’t let the worries of the world, or worries that attack you in your private life drive you to cope in worldly ways.  Lean, pray, talk to the Creator, ask to be filled with the Spirit of Love (the Holy Spirit), to cope with the comfort of the love of God, instead of the habits that can take you down a spiral of despair.

Let it be, as the previous post says.  Let that ‘thing’ be what it is, and do not let the devil have a foothold.

Revelation 22:11Let the unrighteous continue to be unrighteous, and the vile continue to be vile;let the righteous continue to practicerighteousness, and the holy continue to be holy.”

Let it be what it is, and carry on in the spirit of peace and love in your OWN soul, a temple of love and peace, that brings glory to the Creator.



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If I could…

I could change the world…

But I can’t, and I’m not trying to change anything anymore.  I’m capable of changing myself only, and will do so.  I was (am yet in many ways) a soft heart, an idealist, a lover, a hope driven enthusiast for a kinder world…

but these days?  I think better I should change myself to a thicker skinned less concerned being and accept the Buddhist perspective…that Earth (despite it’s beauty) is in fact hell. And everyone here is paying dues for some rebellion in the divine heavenly realm.  That being the case…best thing to do is not let the world rattle my peace and let it be as it is.  God is sovereign, and if he wants “Joe Somebody” to change, they will.  Karma comes around, and I can testify to that.  So…what’s the point of my attempt to inform someone to prevent their actions that bring karma return?  Little to none.  Let it be, as it is…


Mary, as in the ‘supposed’ holy mother of Jesus…doesn’t come to me…but the song makes a good point.  To me, the mother is all that is material, all that is matter.  The body, the Earth, the cell, the sap of a tree, the butterfly, the snake, all part of the mother, material form.  Without her, none of us would be able to be here, she is the essential part of being alive on earth, or condemned to hell, depending on how you look at it.

If they hate… let it be.

If they fear…let it be.

If the times are trouble…let it be.

I need my peace to sustain myself.  I hope you have your peace nice and strong in your soul, so you can stand in this troubling time and not be consumed by it.

I’m going to mow my lawn, something everyday normal…

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Spoon ring work

I made five more rings today.

I’m in a sour mood, my emotions are rattled from a verbal assault that keeps repeating in my head.  I’d love to just put it down and be over it, but it haunts me in my sleep and in my waking hours, unless I work, then I listen to music and it goes away.

So it took me about six hours to make these.  The hardest ones were the thickest metal.  Hammering them was so intense I broke a sweat.  But I think they look pretty good.  For some reason the picture shows them a gold tone, but they are actually silver toned, because they are all stainless steel.  Go figure.

I’m not happy with tech these days.  I failed using a program on my phone several times now.  I can’t seem to get the networking and my data is limited, so I’m impotent with the programs and it irritates me, and others.  If I find I can’t make this work, then I’ll just give up, because I’m tired of chasing tech.  I’ve done it long enough, over twenty years, and I’m tired of it.

I guess today…I’m just tired of a lot of things.  The news, the world, the hate, the bitterness, the impatience, the failure to accept things as they are…  There are some days when I’m really glad I am alone, because its not likely I’ll let anyone in my immediate proximity down.

My mind wants to go negative, so I think its time to get out of here…and remember I did do something decent today.  I made art.





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